Part 1 of a 2-part series about Millennials and the church:

I grew up in church my entire life, and I can say I have seen it all. In the early years, my parents were pastors of a church for a few years. So, I know whats its like to be at church for the morning and evening service, mid-week bible study, and Saturday night prayer. I have been behind the scenes of seeing my parents stay late, arrive early, drive church vans, travel to regional conferences and everything in between. When I was 8 years old my parents stepped down from ministry much to my relief. In the words of my 8-year-old self: ‘I could be a normal kid again’. We moved to Fayetteville, NC and started attending a very diverse, non-denominational church that literally changed our lives for the better. Over the course of my life I have experienced black churches, white churches, small churches, big churches, even a baptist church. I have learned to respect places of worship; there are different ways Christians express their love for God and all are beautiful. I also know the hurt of realizing that church is full of humans who sometimes hurt each other. Its happens all the time and I’m sure everyone has experienced this  jarring reality.

After moving back home after graduate school at the age of 23, I began to notice a trend. Looking around in service, I realized that there were not many people around my age.  I also noticed the same thing at other churches I had attended during college and graduate school. Over the years, the college students  that attended church and campus ministry regularly dwindled. I discovered that the only other people who were my age and attended church had families or were married. Last summer, I genuinely started asking the question: why? I know quite a few kids who grew up in the church and after leaving home haven’t been back involved in church since. I don’t say this because of my “great” track record with church, I say this because it concerns me. This is probably one of the scariest ages of our lives. The ages of  18-29 are the years of transition. We are finding ourselves, our purpose, struggling with emotional baggage from child hood, and just  realizing things. I’m not  saying that rolling out of bed every Sunday morning and heading to a building will cure everything, I’m saying that lack of community and spiritual support has us drowning in the realities of life. After having real discussions with  people in my life and  on social media,  I have discovered a few things that churches and millennials need to do bridge this gap:

1.Authenticity

The number one thing millennials said about why they or their peers left church is because no one seems real. Hypocrisy can only be a thing when one is pretending that they have it all together. Authenticity is the exact opposite. It doesn’t hide imperfections, it shows them. This isn’t a call for everyone to air out their dirty laundry, its a call to take off the mask. Church can be a show sometimes. People show up in their ‘Sunday Best’ a couple days a week and most of the time they are hiding who they truly are. I believe that everyone breathes a sigh of relief when they realize they aren’t the only ones who slip up and yell at their spouse, who are confused about this season of life, or who have some serious questions for God. Admitting these things to each other breeds connection and community.

2. A Safe Place

In order for people to feel safe being their authentic selves, church needs to be safe and open. Open to anyone who comes looking for love and safe  for them when they have arrived. Its easy to drift into cliques, and turn our churches into exclusive clubs. We think safety is everyone being and thinking the same way, but that is a very comfortable lie. Because of this thinking that everyone needs to be the same, anything different causes conflict.   A lot of us have questions and embarrassing struggles. We need people to come along side us and walk it out with us. Can we tell you if we struggle with addictions? If we slipped up and had sex with our boyfriend/girlfriend? If we are having homosexual thoughts and temptations? The church should be the #1 safe place we can go to for answers. I’m not saying any sin should be condoned; but I am saying that we need help and not shame.

3. Community/Discipleship

I used to think of discipleship training as strictly teaching  people how to do ministry, but that’s honestly only a small part of it. Its really doing life with someone. Its walking this Christian walk out with someone who can mentor you  while also walking with peers who you can have a shared experience with. This has been a tough one for me. I’m an extrovert BUT being around a new set of people frightens me. I’m not for sure exactly why, I guess I have a fear of showing up and not being wanted.  Although that’s a legitimate fear, when I moved back home and started attending my home church I knew if I didn’t seek out community I would just be a floater. I would just come to church once a week and then go home. I knew that wasn’t good enough for me, so I sought out community. Lots of millennials want this. They really don’t need programs or special conferences, they need people in their every day lives. I remember at the If:Gathering conference this year, Jennie Allen challenged women to just do coffee. She emphasized that  finding a younger woman/girl and making disciples could be as simple as  having coffee together. I think the church often thinks community and discipleship would be “too much”. I mean we have families and spouses, we don’t have time for that. (love what Francis Chan says about idolizing family and how that can get in the way of our mission as Christ followers)

Its frustrating because it would mean clearing  up our lives and schedules for yet another hour long ‘church thing’ but that’s not it at all. It  means relationship, it means opening up your home even if everything isn’t perfect. It means going out to dinner with people. It could mean playing video games, or a basketball game, babysitting each others kids, or just finding another mom to do play dates with. It doesn’t really require workbooks or lesson plans, it just involves you and another person ‘doing life together‘ as my church’s youth group would call it.  We need a place to belong, and we need people who are willing to take the time to walk that out with us. Of course we as milliennials have to really want it, but I’m addressing that in a later post!

4. Church was a Chore

As a kid on  Saturday mornings  I would get up and plop in front of the T.V, my dad would then walk by and say: “Have you read your devotion yet?” In and of itself, that small question was asked with the purest of intentions. Until this day, I’m conscious of what I reach for as soon as I wake up. I admit, scrolling through social media isn’t the best way to start a day. I’m sure most ‘church babies’ have experienced the same thing: being made to read the bible as a kid, writing out scriptures 100 times when you disobeyed, dreading heading back to church for the millionth time that week,  and thats how church became a chore. So just like all the other rules that your parents enforced from childhood until you turned 18 like: having a bedtime, curfew,  doing chores, eating your veggies etc., church also became something that you threw out the window when your parents drove away from your college dorm on move-in day. I can’t tell you how interesting it was watching parents drag their prospective college students to our campus ministry booth during open house. Clearly they were excited that there was a glimmer of hope amidst the jungle that college can be, but I knew I wouldn’t be seeing that student step foot in one of our bible studies by the glazed over look of disinterest in their eyes. Hey, I get it. I don’t really know exactly how to make the Word come alive with our kids, but I can imagine that it starts with them seeing it come alive in their parents first. In the article I linked  above, Francis Chan says that kids ‘ditch God’ when they leave the house because they don’t see the active work of the Holy Spirit working in their households.  He explains that we get so wrapped up in every day life, that the sense of ‘adventure’ with God isn’t seen. So they leave because Christianity is boring to them. I’m not saying that that’s a guarantee, because all kids make their own choices.   I do think that the more kids see that God is a living, breathing, Father that they can have a real relationship with the more solid that they will be.

This isn’t a ploy for me to point out everything wrong with the church, because there’s a lot that’s right with the church as well. This isn’t for me to judge my peers for not going to church, I have been frustrated by church as well so you aren’t alone in that.  I just wish to open up the door for change and discussion. Of course, I am looking at this from both sides, so part 2 will address what we can do as millennials to ‘be the change we seek’.

Please talk back and comment if you have something to say.

Have a Great Week!

-A.J.