It’s been a minute ya’ll, and I’m sorry for that but I had to take a pause. It didn’t seem right to continue rolling out content amidst so much unrest. I couldn’t do it in good conscience. So, I waited. I processed with family and friends. I pondered on what I could be or should be doing. I didn’t have anything to say on the blog yet, but now I do. And if you are a creative or you make content and you are also pondering on what to say, how to say it, or how to move forward…it’s okay to take a pause as well.  It’s okay to take a step back.

*woosah*

Finding Out…

When I started hearing about George Floyd, I waited on finding out the whole story. The trauma of seeing another black man or woman dead because of police brutality makes me just not want to know until I have to. Soon, I searched out the news outlets and came across the horrific video of George Floyd gasping for breath as a white police officer knelt on his neck. I couldn’t even watch the whole video…..it was entirely too much. As I read the news article and saw videos that proved George Floyd was  compliant while being arrested; I realized that its sad that we have to do such a thing. Prove that someone had the right to live.

The Climax

As people started to repost, retweet, and process yet another (3rd) situation of police brutality in the first 6 months of 2020 alone, I started to see protesting and riots take off in Minneapolis, MN where the incident took place. But this time? This time it was different. This time there was a rage that I have never seen that spread like wildfire from city to city, state to state, country to country. Buildings were burned down. Large stores like Target and Walmart were looted. I stayed up in my bed one Saturday night staring dumbfounded at my phone while a woman went live on Facebook, showing people stealing from our local mall. I haven’t experienced anything like this in my life. It felt like an awful time machine had us stuck in an endless cycle; when would it stop? And when I say: “when will it stop?” I mean the killing of innocent black men and women. I do not condone the riots or the looting; however I feel a much larger heartbreak for the events that caused bitterness, anger, and rage to place my people in a choke hold. Is anger a choice? Yes. Is bitterness a choice? Absolutely. However, how much can people take? Especially those who have been silenced for so long? I had more compassion than condemnation.

Big Emotions

The following week held big feelings for me to process through as I tried to hold on to Jesus as well as sit in the reality of the anger I felt.  On one hand I was relieved that white people; especially white Christians were finally seeing what had been there all along. On the other hand I was left wondering: what took so long?  For years, I stifled my voice and the extent of my true feelings. I felt I couldn’t exist as both a Christian and a black woman (more on that this coming Tuesday for #TransparencyTuesday!) It was suffocating. At times during that week I would have to put my phone away for hours at a time to give my brain a break from the constant stream of news, messages or life! It was a lot. I vacillated between anger, hope and sadness.  I wondered: “Am I just not ‘saved’ enough? Because I don’t have grace or patience in this moment. I just feel heavy.”

Resolve

This week was a breath of fresh air. I saw the light at the end of my never ending tunnel of feelings. My hope? Partnering with Holy Spirit and asking Him how I can be apart of this major moment in time. You see, its okay to feel all the feels and the BIG emotions. But I cannot stay there. I can’t stay angry. I can’t beg God to uncover racism and open the eyes of my white brothers and sisters but be unwilling to get in there do the work of reconciling. I also have to realize that me being silent and complicit played a huge part in my own suffocation. I didn’t speak up often enough. I didn’t show my true self to my white friends and I too stayed in my comfortable corner with people who were more like me. It’s easier that way; but its not kingdom. And if I am to embody Isaiah 58:11-12:

You’ll be like a well-watered garden,
    a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
    rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You’ll be known as those who can fix anything,
    restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
    make the community livable again.

I have to get my eyes off of myself. After the smoke clears and I give God all of my trauma, heart gunk, and feelings; He bandages me up and gently pushes me back into the game. And now, I’m challenged to be more vocal, less accommodating to people’s feelings concerning my truth, but overflowing with the love of Jesus filling in every nook and cranny of the words I speak.

Whew! What a process! I honestly feel so much better even after writing about this. What about you? How are you handling this? Use my trigger map from my last blog post to help you process.

Most of all. Partner with the Holy Spirit and ask Him to clear away the mess so that you can see what He sees.

Coming up!

Be on the lookout for an email early next week! I’m going to be gathering some resources for my black and white friends as well as sharing some helpful advice on how to navigate difficult conversations and how to find the means to do so! Sign up for my email list here If you haven’t already!

Have a great Saturday!

xo,